


I Go On

by thorleesi



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-04-22 14:29:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4838714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thorleesi/pseuds/thorleesi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a traumatic confrontation and an unexpected falling out with the women closest to her, Spencer disappears from Rosewood. Toby has been on her trail for years but he's only met dead ends - until help comes from a surprising source. With Mona's help Toby is closer than he's ever been, but like everything in Rosewood nothing is ever as it seems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Lead

**Author's Note:**

> So this idea has been knocking around my head for a few weeks and I finally took the time to actually write it. This chapter is more akin to a prologue of sorts (generally my chapters are about twice as long), but I have the next few chapters (mostly) finished so it will be updated quickly for awhile. This is my first PLL fic and I hope I eventually get the rhythm of the characters right . Please review if you feel so inclined!

Toby Cavanaugh hovered around the police barrier perimeter trying to keep curious eyes from watching the scene but attempting to get a good look himself. The early morning mid September air was biting and he wished he’d brought his Rosewood PD jacket. Not that it would have helped a whole lot – being out in Buck’s County made this particularly gruesome scene out of his jurisdiction.

He’d stopped actively looking for her over a year ago but every time he heard “Jane Doe, mid twenties” over his police scanner his heart missed several beats, especially when it was followed by phrases like “found dead at the scene”, “homicide”, and “drug related death”. Toby had an understanding with his boss, Detective Tanner, that whenever any of these cases came up he’d be over at the scene offering the services of Rosewood’s Finest to neighbouring counties while he made sure none of these Jane Does were _her_.

And the girl at this particular scene definitely wasn’t. At 5’2” with a mass of long blonde hair (now caked with blood) cascading over her face this girl definitely wasn’t Spencer. From what he put together himself and what he was told by the chatty rookie working perimeter duty, this girl fell from the roof of the town’s library where she was living. Given what they found in her backpack still stowed up on the roof it was safe to assume drugs were involved in her death although they’d have to wait for the tox screen to be sure. All they really knew was that she wasn’t from around here.

A crowd was beginning to gather and with a sigh began to shoo them away. “Move along folks, let’s give the officers some room to do their jobs,” he prompted half heartedly. Several of the casual observers dispersed without further prodding but the press, as usual, stayed put. Not that there were many reporters here – it’s not like in Rosewood where any whiff of foul play is immediately pounced on by major news outlets. Luckily Buck’s County didn’t have the same history.

There was a tall wiry woman jotting down notes in an uncomfortably fuzzy notebook and a tall heavy set bored looking man with a camera taking a few shots of the scene. Toby assumed they were from the local paper. A teenager with a skateboard was taking some video on his phone and making notes on his arms, and a red haired girl with thick black glasses and a long, multicoloured scarf covering half her face struggled to balance a small coffee while writing in her own notebook. Toby suppressed a grin after several close calls of her coffee toppling to the ground. Miraculously she seemed to grab in just in time, over and over again.

“Officer Cavanaugh! Always a pleasure,” a man shouted and crossed over the lawn to greet him. Toby shook his hand.

“Hey Tom, likewise,” he said. Tom Leroy was the Sheriff of Buck’s County.

“Should have known you’d turn up. No luck with that missing person’s case then?” Sheriff Leroy asked, knowing full well that if Toby had any leads on this particular missing person he wouldn’t be showing up at his crime scenes.

“No sir, but I’m not going to stop looking,” Toby said with a heavy feeling in his stomach. How long was he going to do this? She disappeared three years ago.

“Well we appreciate your help all the same, can never have enough bodies with situations like these. It feels like the department’s budget gets smaller every year – we’re lucky the rookie over there even got approved at all,” Tom nodded over to the rookie Toby spoke with earlier, who was currently chatting up the awkward redhead with the coffee. “Well, good luck with your case Cavanaugh.”

And with a manly pat on the back the Sheriff left to do his job. Toby pulled out his own notebook to jot down some of the details of this case like he always did after one of his Jane Doe Detours, who knows when something might end up being important in the long run (even if it has nothing to do with Spencer’s disappearance). He patted all his pockets for a few seconds before realizing his pen was nowhere to be found. Toby could feel an embarrassed heat rising to his cheeks – what a rookie mistake. He looked around – the wiry woman wrote with a matching fuzzy pen to her notebook, complete with feathers flourishing out the top. Toby grimaced and approached the red head instead.

“Excuse me miss,” he said, “Could I borrow your pen for a sec-”

When the woman turned around she choked on the sip of coffee she was drinking and started coughing.

“Are you alright? I’m sorry I didn’t mean to startle you, I can find some water for you if you need it,” he offered feeling guilty. Some people can’t see past the uniform and get nervous despite not doing anything wrong.

She shook her head. Her long bangs followed the motion and Toby couldn’t help but be reminded of a dog his uncle owned years ago, with fur constantly covering her eyes. “N-no thank you,” she said softly and adjusted her glasses anxiously. “Here,” the woman pushed a pen into his hands.

“Thank you,” Toby said in his best friendly officer voice and threw in his winning smile for good measure. People shouldn’t have to be afraid of the police. He started jotting his notes down quickly but when he glanced up it didn’t seem to put her at ease at all. This girl seemed to vibrate with nervous energy. “Are you on a student paper?” he asked. Maybe some light conversation would help.

She nodded her head. “Well you already seem leagues ahead of everyone else here,” he joked and flipped his notebook shut. “Where do you go to college?”

The girl opened her mouth to answer but before he knew it the Styrofoam cup filled with coffee flew out of her hands and landed right on his shoes. She pulled napkins out of her purse and handed them to him, “I’m sorry,” she whispered as they both crouched down to clean up the mess.

Toby was startled for a moment as the apology sounded hauntingly familiar. He stared at her, trying to get a good look at this stranger. Her ginger hair was pulled into a loose braid that lay over her shoulder, her bangs covered her face and Toby had never seen rims as thick even on the most pretentious hipsters. The long scarf was wrapped closely and covered her mouth which made all her words come out slightly muffled.

She noticed him staring and he looked away guiltily, concentrating on getting the coffee wiped off his shoes. When he looked up she was halfway across the street to a car parked there.

“Your pen,” he called out to her, willing her to turn around just once more. If he could just get a better look…

“Keep it!” She shouted back in an unmistakably familiar voice as he turned the pen over in his hands. Toby couldn’t help but believe he just had a run in with none other than Spencer Hastings and for the first time in three years, he had a lead.


	2. Enter Mona

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toby's back on Spencer's trail, and Mona pops by just in time to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure if I'd get this next bit edited in time to post tomorrow but I'm super pleased I got it done this evening and I'm excited to put it up now! I'll consider the last chapter a bonus haha.
> 
> Pretty standard issue, all flashbacks are will be italicized and for a frame of reference of "Current" is about 5 years after CeCe and the Radley roof, it differs from the show when it comes to what the girls do for school but other than that most everything is canon. If you enjoy at all don't forget to leave some kind words!

_Toby rolled over, the familiar smell of lavender detergent filling his nose. He reached to pull his girlfriend closer but the other side of the bed was empty. He sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes._

_It was still dark out, early morning as far as Toby could tell and the light from the moon silhouetted the figure sitting in the chair in front of the window._

_“Have you slept at all Spencer?” Toby asked quietly. He fell asleep earlier that night holding her in his arms and he told himself that tonight was the night she would finally be able to relax and sleep. It killed him that she didn’t even feel safe in his arms, and that there was nothing he could do to help fight her demons._

_Spencer looked from the window over to where Toby lay in her bed eerily slowly. “No,” she said. The circles under her eyes grew darker by the day. In the past the couple would spend their evenings at Toby’s loft above the Brew, but since the incident she refused to go back._

_Toby crawled out of bed and padded tiredly over to the chair she was sitting in. He kissed Spencer gently on the head and picked her up, taking her place sitting by the window. She leaned her head affectionately against his and wrapped her arms around his neck. Together they stared out at the moon._

_“It wasn’t your fault,” he whispered, hoping this time she would believe him. Every time he tried to bring up the events of the past few months she shut down. “It’s over, Spencer.” She shook her head._

_“I’m going away soon,” Spencer said hoarsely. He could feel the complete exhaustion that consumed her – her mind was tired, her body was still healing and she just couldn’t seem to catch up to everything that happened. “I’m joining my mom in London to visit Melissa.”_

_“I think some time away from Rosewood is a really good idea,” Toby said and meant it._

_“I’m glad you agree,” Spencer said, pointedly looking away from him. She didn’t want to see his face when she told him the next part. “My flight is tomorrow afternoon I don’t think I’ll be coming back. In fact I don’t plan on it. Ever.”_

_Toby would be lying if he said he was surprised – he had a duffel bag packed with clean clothes, his passport and cash for months anticipating this decision. He kissed her temple. “I’m ready whenever you are,” he told her._

_Spencer winced in pain, unsure of it was her old injuries or the situation. She shifted uncomfortably on his lap so they were looking at each other. “Toby I’m going alone. I need to leave with a clean break, I need to start over,” she pleaded with him to try and understand._

_“A clean break,” his heart sank. “What does that mean exactly?” But he knew what she was getting at. Toby needed to hear her say it to believe it._

_“From everything. The things that have happened to me here, from Rosewood, from_ them _, from-”_

_“From me?” Toby finished for her and the tears burned from behind his eyes. It’s not like he didn’t understand, this whole past year had been a traumatic and painful process.  It pained him to think that in order for Spencer to heal she needed space, but for him to do the same he wanted to hold her closer._

_“And him, too.” Spencer took a shaky breath and rubbed her eyes with tired hands. “I- I can’t breathe here Toby I feel like I’m living underwater. I can’t go to my friends-”_

_“They want to be there for you, Spence,” he said._

_“And I told you I don’t want them to be,” Spencer snapped, the harshness of her tone startled both of them. “You treat me like I’m made of glass, like a small breeze is going to break me and you’re not even wrong but maybe it’s the breeze_ here _. I need to leave Rosewood behind. All of it,” Spencer added softly._

_“And I’m part of Rosewood,” he said._

_“And you’re part of Rosewood,” she repeated and let the tears slide down her cheeks silently, holding back a sob. Spencer leaned against him and wound her arms around his neck once more, seemingly holding on for dear life. Toby held her tighter._

_“I’m not leaving because I don’t love you,” she broke the silence. Her voice sounded as broken as Toby felt._

_“I know,” he let the tears fall freely from his eyes now. She had clearly been thinking about leaving for a while and had made up her mind. And if he knew Spencer as well as he thought he did there was no point in arguing – she was going to do it whether Toby gave his blessing or not. But he knew it couldn’t have been an easy decision._

_“I’m sorry,” she whispered._

_They held onto each other and watched the moon together until Toby dozed off, snoring softly. When he woke the bed was made carefully with a note propped up at the foot._ Toby _was written in Spencer’s tight cursive on the front._

_He unfolded it carefully._

I love you.

I’m so sorry.

Don’t wait for me.

-          S

_Toby waited for about three weeks before purchasing a ticket to London to follow her. He knew she wouldn’t be happy to see him at first but maybe they could heal together out of the clutches of the toxic Rosewood air. He had to try._

_Spencer hadn’t returned any of his calls, or emails and as far as he could tell she’d closed all of her social media accounts so he resorted to stopping by the Hastings to get Melissa’s address in London from Veronica. She’d just returned from London herself earlier in the week and Toby hoped she’d be able to help him out before his flight._

_Veronica poured coffee into two mugs and slid one towards him on the island. “How was your trip?” he asked, making light conversation._

_“Oh, it was lovely, Melissa and I had such a wonderful time,” she answered. An awkward silence hung in the air between the two of them and Toby had to wonder what sort of instructions she’d left her mother with when it came to him._

_“I booked a ticket but if Spencer’s said anything-”_

_“How is she? She’s still not returning any of my-”_

_They both stopped abruptly trying to process their jumbled words. “Was Spencer with you in London?” he asked finally but the sour feeling in is gut told him he already knew the answer._

_Veronica went pale. “I invited her but she told me she wasn’t up for travelling. I haven’t heard from her since I left I assumed she was staying with you,” she said and the look of fear that landed on her face left Toby feeling unsettled._

_He ran a hand anxiously through his hair. “I’m going to get in touch with the precinct but maybe the girls would have heard from her, could you try calling them?” he offered Mrs. Hastings something to do, but judging by Spencer’s reaction the last night he saw her he’d bet that none of them have heard anything. Alison left town years ago, and Hanna and Aria had all but been disowned by Spencer since everything went down. Realistically Emily was the only one she might have gone to, and even she was a stretch.  “Try Emily first,” Toby added hoping he was wrong._

_Veronica nodded, a worried hand over her mouth._

_“You don’t think it was CeCe do you?” she asked in little more than a whisper. Toby wasn’t even sure he was supposed to hear._

_“You know she’s dead,” he said firmly but uncertain of who exactly he was trying to convince. Mrs. Hastings took a deep breath and put on her steely, take no shit, determined lawyer face._

_“Before you make that call you’re going to tell me every single detail of what happened leading up to the last time you saw her and we’re going to find her and bring her home safe,” she sat down on the stool beside Toby. After a long sip of coffee he started to tell her the whole story._

_Well. Most of it._

The moments turned over in his head. Almost dropping her coffee, the muffled voice, and the giant scarf wrapped around her. Buck’s County was closer to Rosewood than he’d imagine she was comfortable with and her distracting disguise was the perfect deterrent. Toby focused on each thing individually he never saw her as a whole person – it was such a simple trick, all he saw was hair and glasses. But he still should have recognized her.

Not sure where else to start, he began typing Spencer’s name into the department’s database.

“You know she wouldn’t use her own name,” a knowing, almost pitying voice came from his doorway. “She’s too smart for that.”

Toby glanced at Mona Vanderwaal, a consultant of sorts that the Rosewood Police Department used now and again on cases. Say what you want about Mona but she was a genius, and she’d closed more cases than she’d ever opened in this town.

“She doesn’t wanted to be found she won’t be using her name. Or her own accounts,” Mona invited herself into his office and leaned against the desk beside him. “You did follow the money didn’t you?”

Toby nodded and chose to let Mona’s condescending tone be. For now.  

“May I?” she pointed at the computer. He stood reluctantly and offered her his desk chair. If anyone knew how to manipulate the police system it was Mona and Toby clearly had no idea where to pick the case up again.

 “Can you grab me her file?” she asked without looking up and after a beat added, “You still have it on hand don’t you?” with a smile that told him she knew he’d kept it nearby.

And he did. Her missing persons file was tucked into the top drawer of his desk, the edges worn from the many times he’d looked through it hoping to pick up on something he’d missed. Toby opened the drawer and dropped it on the keyboard in front of Mona. He’d worked with her on a few other cases and found it positively infuriating at just how good Mona was at her job.

She flipped through it quickly, as if she’d seen all the pages before. Which surprised Toby, because it wasn’t even the official police file – although it did contain photocopies of all police records from the case, Toby had filled the folder with all of the less official documentation and clues from Spencer’s disappearance and some of his own notes. And he still came up with nothing.

Mona shut the folder. “So the most recent thing is from spring three years ago?” He nodded to confirm. Conversations with her were pretty one sided as Mona rarely asked questions she didn’t already know the answer to. “I expected more from you Officer Cavanaugh,” she shook her head at him as if Toby should have anticipated her arrival this afternoon and prepared more.

“So where did the money go?” Mona whispered and thumbed through the papers.

“She’d been siphoning cash out of her personal account for a few months leading up to her leaving,” Toby offered, “never enough to cause any red flags to go up but she had regular withdrawals.”

“What about family? What was their activity like leading up to it?” Mona flipped through the file and came upon Veronica and Melissa’s personal accounts. There was nothing out of the ordinary. “What about her father’s?”

“I never got it, Peter hasn’t been around since the divorce and Spencer hadn’t talked to him in almost a year,” he said.

Mona tsked quietly. “You’ll never make detective thinking like that Cavanaugh. Spencer’s relationship with her dad was never a smooth one, but Peter Hastings has always considered her his little girl. If she asked for money to disappear there’s no chance he’d say no,” Mona clacked away at his keyboard pulling up software Toby didn’t even know they had. “I sent an email to his bank from your login asking for all his account activity for the last four years it should be here within the hour.”

Toby wasn’t sure to be impressed or mad that Mona hacked into his department account. But the bank complied with no complications and they all of his bank activity splayed out in front of them in no time. Business, savings, chequing, personal, Toby was having trouble making heads or tails of any of it.

After their third cup of coffee Mona handed him a page from one of his savings accounts. “Look at this one,” she said taking a bite of a particularly delicious cruller he was saving for later. "Notice the dates.”

“Spencer’s listed on this one, she would have access to it right?” he said excitedly.

“Keep reading,” Mona said staring intently at his reaction. Toby skimmed over the details of this particular account – it had regular deposits up until 7 months after Spencer left but they stopped abruptly, only Peter and Spencer had access to the account, and it seemed her father had named it Hastings-Cavanaugh.

“What is this?” Toby asked.

“My bet would be Daddy Hastings was saving up for his baby girl’s wedding,” she told him with minimal snark.

“What makes you think he wasn’t just funding her disappearance?” Toby frowned. He spoke with Peter Hastings a handful of times when the case was just opened and there was no indication he’d had any part of it.

Mona stood from the desk and pointed to something at the top of the page. “Couldn’t be, he opened the account about 6 months before the incident at the Brew,” he grimaced at the referral to the events of that night. It still made him sick to his stomach. “I’m going to look into him regardless, but it looks like somehow Spencer got his account number and helped herself. I’d guess that when he figured out what happened he stopped making deposits but I’d like to know why he didn’t just close the account all together.”

Toby was used to the sting of Spencer leaving him but…Ouch. Taking money set aside for their future hypothetical wedding? Despite feeling flattered at Peter’s apparent (albeit misplaced) faith in his former relationship, enough so much as to actually set aside money for a wedding that  _they_ hadn’t even decided on yet, it was a heavy blow. What was almost as mind boggling, if not more, was that at its peak the account was worth several hundred thousand dollars. And the current balance was 0.

Mona gathered up the papers and tucked them neatly into her bag. “Give me a couple hours with these, there are a few things I need to do that I can’t do here,” she looked pointedly at all the cops walking around. “I’ll call once I have something.”

He nodded soberly wondering what would have happened if he’d looked into Peter earlier. Or if he’d noticed any details that Mona put together so quickly. “Don’t be too hard on yourself,” she seemed to know what he was thinking, “You’ve been looking at the same things for years – I have fresh eyes. We’ll find her,” Mona assured him. And he believed her. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucky how Mona jumped in at just the right moment to help find missing Spencer Hastings...or is lucky not quite the right word?


	3. Ravenswood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mona takes Toby on a road trip.

Mona was reapplying her lipstick when Toby got in the passenger seat of her car parked at the end of his long driveway. Her head lights shone down the empty gravel lane and into the swaying trees where it ended and turned back into a real, paved road.

“You live in the absolute middle of nowhere,” she said, popping her lips and eyeing the rear view mirror. When she was satisfied with the job Mona finally turned her gaze to Toby.

He shrugged. “It’s quiet out here,” was all he said. Toby didn’t bother asking how Mona knew where he lived, despite not marking his forest lot with a number.

“I’m sure.” Mona pulled onto the main road and Toby couldn’t quite help but notice that’d she’d broken out the big old black sweaters she used back in her “A” heydays.

The trip to Ravenswood was a silent one, and the pair passed few cars on the way to the creepy town. He would never admit it, but he wished they could have visited in the day light. It was mere hours since Mona disappeared from his office when he received a text from her, telling him she was at his trailer with a lead and they were going to Ravenswood. She was light on the details and Toby wondered what exactly they were looking for.

“The money from Peter Hasting’s account came through a small non profit organization here,” Mona explained as she parked the car on the foggy, dark main street. “Ravenswood is old school, and I can’t get any of the documentation online other than that it existed from about a month before her disappearance until six months afterwards. I thought it was worth looking into,” she slammed the door and started off down the dimly lit street, motioning for Toby to follow.

Toby began to feel uneasy. Yes, Mona was an expert at working around the system to find things out she shouldn’t know, but something about this felt…off. She stopped right outside City Hall and began digging in her purse. An ornate plaque out front read:

_Office Hours_

_Monday – Thursday 9:00am – 4:30pm_

_Friday 9:00am – Noon_

_Saturday & Sunday Closed_

“I guess we’ll have to come back tomorrow,” he said after checking his phone for the time. Mona pulled a small black case from her bag and flipped it open, revealing a number of small, silver instruments.

“Knock knock,” Mona winked. “Oh no one’s home? Too bad, I guess we’ll just have to let ourselves in,” she feigned her disappointment poorly and with a grin. She made quick work of the lock and before Toby could even begin to object she was inside. He followed indignantly.

“ _Mona!_ ” he whispered as loudly as he could. “I am a police officer, I can’t go breaking into buildings I should be _arresting_ you right now,” but Mona was up the stairs to the records floor without a glance back. When Toby finally caught up to her she was already digging through heavy filing cabinets.

“Unwad your panties, Cavanaugh,” Mona thumbed through another file, “I’ve never been caught and I don’t plan on starting any time soon.”

“I could lose my job,” Toby said but peeked into the nearest open cabinet anyways.

Mona crossed her arms on top the one she was currently looking through and stared him down. “You and I both know that you would pick even the _slightest_ chance to find Spencer over your work with Rosewood’s finest. Are you done whining? It’s messing with my flow,” she drummed her nails impatiently.

“What exactly are we looking for?” Toby sighed after a beat.

A grin spread across Mona’s face, “Stashing Society of Ravenswood.”

“Subtle,” he frowned, joining Mona in flipping through folder after folder. He was becoming less sure they were on the right track, Spencer wouldn’t be quite so…blatant about where she was. “Are you sure…?” Toby tried to think of how to bring up the possibility that Mona Vanderwaal was wrong.

“I wasn’t,” she continued searching, “until I realized that Stashing is an anagram of Hastings.”

Convinced, Toby dove in once again. The organization of Ravenswood’s Records Room was abysmal and somehow he kept finding documentation from the late 40’s, but after about an hour Mona came up with the information they were looking for.

She skimmed the page quickly before taking a picture with her phone and brought it over to where Toby had been looking. “The dates match and there’s no indication anywhere of what this organization actually did. I think we’re on to something,” Toby heart jumped in his chest. This could be it.

“There’s an address here where their headquarters supposedly were,” Mona passed him the sheet and double checked the folder where they found it for more relevant pages.

Toby’s eyebrows came together in confusion when he saw the address listed.

_1849 Blackburn Ave._

“This can’t be right,” he said.

“Why?” she asked, shutting the folder.

“I recognize it,” he frowned trying to process the information in front of him. “This property belongs to Caleb Rivers.”

 

* * *

 

 

_She grimaced as she took a sip of her cold coffee. She’d been here for hours, staking the place out and the Styrofoam cup from her cheap motel could only do so much to keep it warm. The girl fell at 6am. She’d tracked her down to the Buck’s County Library and was waiting with her camera to get pictures of Leah Trill to give to her family. Leah ran away from a stint in rehab about 4 months ago and had been surprisingly challenging to track down. But it was just her luck that the minute she’d found her she’d watched her plummet to her death off the roof of the damned library._

_She should be more sensitive, she really should. But in her experience clients were significantly more generous with her fees when their loved ones were tracked down and delivered home safe and sound._

_With a sigh she took the details of the incident down in her notebook, dreading the incredibly unfortunate phone call she would have to make later today. The Buck’s County Sheriff’s department had taped off the scene and finally covered the poor girl’s body up._

_“Move along folks, let’s give the officers room to do their jobs,” a voice called, shooing on lookers away. She rolled her eyes and stayed where she was. She had a job to do._

_“Excuse me,” she was approached by a bright eyed young officer, “We’re uh, we’re trying to keep the scene clear of observers so I was hoping you’d um…go?” He sputtered out. She held off laughing at the poor rookie, who was clearly about 5 minutes out of the academy._

_“You’re new,” she smirked from under her scarf._

_He smiled sheepishly. “How’d you guess? Ryan, I mean uh Officer Dansen,” his new titled still unfamiliar in his mouth. He held out his hand for her to shake._

_“Sylvia Rose,” she took his hand, “Private Investigator.”_

_Ryan looked impressed. “Whoa cool, like Veronica Mars right? Nice,” he nodded in approval._

_“Something like that,” Sylvia said stiffly, the name still felt unfamiliar on her tongue. Brushing her bangs out of her eyes she had to admit she admired this kid’s enthusiasm. Well, that and his willingness to overshare. “Do you have an ID on the body yet?”_

_“Oh yeah definitely, she had all her stuff on the roof like her wallet, and um. Right. That’s um…like classified information right now,” Officer Dansen quickly changed his tone. Damn, she wouldn’t have time to prep the family._

_Sylvia shot him a pitying smile. “It’s okay I won’t tell. Actually I was hired by her parents to track down Ms. Trill after a great escape from her rehab facility,” she pulled out one of her cards from her purse and wrote down Leo Trill’s phone number. “Her father doesn’t take calls but if you leave a message and use my name he’ll call back right away,” she added.  The extent this man screens his calls was impressive, but Sylvia couldn’t blame him. She had her own demons she wanted to hide from._

_“Alright cool, I’ll pass this off to Sheriff Leroy. Thanks,” he said. Ryan shifted his weight and added, “So um, are from around here?”_

_Sylvia almost choked on another sip of frigid coffee. Was Officer Newbie hitting on her or was her more astute than she gave him credit for? “Dansen! Over here,” the Sheriff called from across the police tape and with an apologetic shrug Ryan bounded away like an overexcited puppy._

_“Excuse me, miss?” someone tapped her on the shoulder. She stiffened involuntarily and turned around._

_She shouldn’t be surprised to see him here. She should have known he’d be listening to the police scanner for a description like this, this should not be a surprise. In fact, she was more surprised this was the first time they had run into each other._

_“Can I borrow your pen for a sec-” the officer stopped mid sentence. She knew as soon as she heard his voice but seeing him again was more than enough for her next sip of coffee to get caught in her throat and send her into a coughing fit. This damn coffee is going to be the death of her._

_For a split second she thought he knew too, until he went on “Are you alright? I’m sorry I didn’t mean to startle you, I can find some water for you if you need it,” he offered. Her heart melted a little, he looked so concerned about someone who appeared to be a complete stranger. A burning pit formed in her stomach as the thought that maybe he thought Sylvia Rose was prettier than her. It had been three years, and she did tell him not to wait. A clean break._

_She shook her head nervously. “N-no thank you,” she said into her scarf and tried to disguise her voice by talking a pitch higher than usual. “Here,” she pushed her pen into his hand- it was so cold, he should be wearing a coat and gloves but he’d never admit it. Her fingers tingled where they’d touched and she couldn’t help but wonder if he felt it too. She couldn’t decide which answer she wanted._

_“Thank you,” Toby said with a smile that made her knees weak. Oh God, he was flirting with Sylvia. “Are you on a student paper?” he asked as he wrote in a worn notebook._

_She nodded quickly. “Well you already seem leagues ahead of everyone else here,” he flipped his notebook shut, “Where do you go to college?”_

_She could feel her mind racing. Flirting or suspicious? Flirting or suspicious? Flirting or suspicious? Both made her stomach swirl. She had to get out of her. In a split second decision she all but threw her coffee at his feet. She was great under pressure._

_She pulled out a few napkins and crouched beside him, wiping up his shoes hoping the distraction was enough to deter him, and waiting for the perfect moment to make her escape. “I’m sorry,” she said._

_And if he wasn’t suspicious before, he sure as hell was now. To her horror she felt her bracelet slip out from under her coat and onto her hand. Her heart stopped and she looked up at Toby, wondering if he saw it. When he noticed she saw him staring at her he looked away._

_Good._

_She jumped up and took off across the street to where her car was parked._

_“Your pen!” she heard him yell._

_She walked faster. “Keep it!”_

_The car door slammed shut and she pawed at her wrist pulling off the bracelet – it felt like it was burning her skin. She shoved it into coat pocked but let her fingers trace the letter and smaller number on the square pendant. A pendant that she used to wear as a necklace. A pendant fashioned to look like a Scrabble tile with an S displayed in the middle of it._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to post, since the new episode aired I got inspired again and I'm definitely committed to finishing! 
> 
> Leave a comment or kudos if you feel so inclined!


	4. Blackburn Ave.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toby confronts Caleb and Mona goes solo.

Anger bubbled in his chest.

Mona pulled the sheet from his grip with some difficulty to re-examine the page. “You’re sure?” she asked staring down at the limited information displayed.

“Positive,” Toby answered. “It belonged to someone on his dad’s side of the family, I’m not sure who. But I know Caleb inherited the house a few years back, I helped him fix it up,” he said, the betrayal seeping into his voice.

“I can’t believe she would leave me for him,” he braced himself against the tall file cabinet to his left. Toby liked to think he left the sensitive part of him behind some time ago but he wasn’t surprised to feel the tears threatening to fall. He looked away from Mona.

“Slow down,” she tried to assure him. “I ran into our favourite delinquent last week at the post office, Caleb still lives in Rosewood – which you already know. They didn’t leave together. All this means is Spencer knew about his property in Ravenswood and used it on some paperwork,” Mona placed a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. It felt awkward for both of them, but Toby appreciated the gesture nonetheless.

He looked up at her with watery eyes. “I spent months living on his couch after she disappeared. Pouring through her case file, tracking down leads, staying up all night using him as a shoulder to cry on – and he just _let_ me. He watched me fall apart full well knowing exactly where she went,” Toby hit the edge of the cabinet with a frustrated yell, sending a bunch of old pages fluttering to the floor.

Mona stepped back. “You don’t know that for sure, and going into this hot headed isn’t going to help anyone let alone help find Spencer,” she said. Toby massaged his temple.

“You’re right,” he said pulling his phone out of his pocket. “I’m calling him.”

Mona could hear the phone go right to voicemail as she began picking up the files and returning them to where they belong. After a few minutes of frantic texting Toby shoved his phone back into his jacket pocket and said, “I’m going to find him. I deserve some answers.”

“I’ll meet you at the car in just a minute,” Mona said to his back on the way out of the room. She listened to his loud steps down the stairs and out the door before pulling out a page she’d slipped into her hoodie.

It was the paperwork filed to found the Stashing Society of Ravenswood and at the bottom of the form was the neat signature of one Jill Cavanaugh, followed by Caleb River’s distorted scribble.

Mona left City Hall quickly to drive them both back to Rosewood, and Toby to what she’d imagine would turn out to be in interesting confrontation.

* * *

 

Caleb stepped out of the shower and rubbed his eyes. Last night was a late one and tonight was promising to be the same. One of the perks of being your own boss was getting to make your own hours and Caleb took full advantage. It’s not like he had to work his schedule around other people anymore, it’s been years since he was in a steady relationship.

By the time he was fully dressed (out of pajamas and into sweatpants) and sitting at his computer with a steaming microwaved dinner, it was already dark. Caleb checked his email while he waited for his phone to turn on.

He ran a frustrated hand through his hair – one of his clients was asking him to redo their site. _Again_.

Several pings from his phone brought Caleb out of his focus on how he was going to tell Leonard of _Leonard’s Vegan Superstore_ to shove it.

_7 missed calls, 12 new messages_

Curious, he unlocked his phone and immediately felt like someone punched him in the gut. They were all from Toby.

Objectively Caleb knew this day would come. It was only a matter of time until relentless Toby put some of the pieces together and came to him looking for explanations. But Caleb wasn’t ready and spun around on his chair looking for his wallet hidden under the mess on his desk. Maybe it was time to go visit his mom again, avoid some awkward questions.

An angry fist banged on the door.

Too late.

“Hey Tobes, whats up?” Caleb’s voice jumped three octaves higher. So much for acting natural.

Toby pushed passed him into the apartment without a word.

“Can I uh, get you a drink, or,” Caleb shoved his hands in his pockets uncomfortably.

“You knew,” Toby accused finally facing him.

“I don’t, I uh,” he shrugged his shoulders helplessly.

Toby shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t even begin to count the number of days you and I sat on that couch after she disappeared and you just _listened_. You listened to all the theories and leads and dead ends and you didn’t say a word,” he said.

“I’m sorry,” Caleb looked down at his slippers guiltily.

“Where is she?” Toby asked. The anger slipped out of his voice for just a moment.

Caleb rubbed his chin. “Gone.”

Toby took a few steps towards him and repeated the question louder, his small pleading voice gone. “ _Where is she?”_

“I don’t know!” Caleb backed up against the wall away from his friend. “She told me she needed some time away, I offered her the house. I thought she was coming back I swear.”

“Liar,” Toby spat.

“I’m not,” Caleb knew this was all going to come back to bite him in the ass. He had just hoped Spencer would be around to take the brunt of it when the time came. “After The Brew she came to me a lot. She talked about leaving and cutting all ties and I told her she could use the house until she was ready to come home. I don’t know all that went down between all of them – Hanna wasn’t really forthcoming at the time, but Spencer was a mess. I thought I was helping,” he said.

“By lying to everyone who cares for her and wanted her safe?” Toby walked over to the couch and sat down with his head in his hands.

“Spencer was suffocating Toby, I had to do something,” Caleb sat down beside him gingerly. “After about six months of living in Ravenswood I broached the topic of her coming back. Three days later the place was cleared out and she was gone.”

An uncomfortable silence fell between the pair and Caleb desperately searched for the words to try to explain to his best friend the rationale behind his decision. It seemed like the right choice at the time – Spencer needed space, but Ravenswood was close. She’d put together a new identity, and he helped her get some of her savings through a dummy corporation to tide her over until she was ready to return to Rosewood.

It wasn’t until after Spencer left that Caleb had discovered just _how much_ money she moved, and it became clear that she had no intention of sticking around. By then he was too ashamed to tell anyone the truth.

“Were you in love?” Toby asked so quietly Caleb almost didn’t hear him.

“What?” he answered incredulously.

“Did you love her?” Toby stared him dead in the eyes.

“Of course I love Spencer,” Caleb leaned back into the couch. “She is – was – one of my best friends. I love her, but I’ve never been _in love_ with her.” He was having flashbacks to countless arguments with Hanna during the year and a half after what happened at The Brew. She never believed him.

Thankfully Toby did. “I’m pissed,” he said, picking his next words carefully, “but I’m grateful Spencer had someone to be there for her for things she wouldn’t come to me for.”

Caleb nodded. “I went back to the house after she left – I couldn’t find anything but why don’t we go back in the morning and see if I missed something,” he offered. Toby nodded and the tension that filled the apartment eased gradually. Caleb prepared the couch for his friend to stay overnight and slid back in front of his desk, quietly working on _Leonard’s Vegan Superstore_ ’s new site while Toby snored.

* * *

 

The sky beamed orange as the sun rose, and Mona slid quietly through the gates of the house on Blackburn Ave. She stepped on the dewy lawn to peek under all the rocks in the small, overgrown garden and predictably a key lay under the third one she turned over. Mona rolled her eyes and entered the house with a creak.

She felt uncharacteristically guilty about tricking Officer Cavanaugh the night before, but she was on a mission that was more important than a pining ex boyfriend.

The house had a thin film of dust laid over the few pieces of furniture left, and Mona headed straight for what looked like a study. The closet was filled with empty shoeboxes and mothballs but no sign of Spencer ever having been there. Mona turned her attention to the desk.

The draws were empty when she pulled them out but that’s not where her attention was. Instead, Mona was feeling underneath each drawer and under the second one an envelope crunched as she touched it.

Jackpot.

Her victory was short lived when she heard the door slam open. “Sorry for the dust, I haven’t been here since right after she left,” Caleb’s voice floated in from the front hallway. Crap.

“It’s fine,” another familiar voice said. So Toby managed to work things out with Caleb – Mona’s four steps ahead quickly turned into two. “Is this the study?” he came closer.

Mona’s eyes darted around carefully. The room was sparse – she couldn’t hide behind any furniture, and the closet was filled with junk.

The window.

She prayed it wasn’t bolted shut and managed to pull it open with some difficulty before sliding out. The sun was in the sky by the time she made it back to her car, and Mona glanced around. There was an old woman walking with her granddaughter down the street, and a gardener work the hedges at the house three down from where she was parked. Determining the coast was clear she dumped the contents out into the passenger seat.

There was a license with Spencer’s picture depicting her with jet black hair cut to her chin. “Nice to meet you _Jill_ ,” Mona read the name off the card and set it to the side. There was some paperwork from Spencer’s bogus organization, a small wad of cash and a flimsy looking flip phone. Stashing was right – it seems like she’d left a few resources in case she need to remake herself. Again.

At first glance nothing from the envelope gave any indication of where Mona should look next. There was a business card for Miles Corwin, a local private investigator that the Hastings ironically used to track Spencer down after the police came up with nothing. No wonder he couldn’t find her either, if Mona was right Corwin was on her payroll.  There was a slim wallet with barely a dollar in change, a couple crumpled bills…and a receipt.

 _King’s Koffee_ was a small café that opened recently in Brookhaven Mona discovered after a quick Google search. With a new lead she turned around and drove the two hours from Ravenswood to Brookhaven. Donning the blonde wig and large sunglasses she kept in her car for situations exactly like this and armed with a book of Sudoku, she picked a table in the far back and ordered a latte. Time for a good old fashioned stake out.

The morning turned up nothing and lunch came and went, but at 6:02pm that evening Spencer Hastings walked into King’s Koffee with, in Mona’s personal opinion, really tacky red hair.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last non Spencer centered chapter I have planned and we'll get a peek at what she's been up to. I aim to have the next chapter up before the new episode airs - I'd love to hear what you think!


	5. King's Koffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mona reveals her true intentions in tracking Spencer down.

Her heart beat rapidly as she held on to the sheets for dear life. The apartment was dark and silent, except for the heat whirring through the fans in the ceiling and her own panicked breathing.

The alarm clock on the bedside table blinked 5:26 in harsh red letters. Good, Spencer thought and released her grip on the sheet dropping her feet to the cool hardwood floor. Her nights all went the same – lay in bed staring at the ceiling until her body finally gave out and slept, wake up every morning in near hysterics after her regularly programmed nightmare. Most mornings she was up closer to four.

Spencer pulled on her housecoat and grabbed the wooden baseball bat she kept beside her bed. She went through her normal routine of checking through her one-bedroom apartment for anything out of place. Her heart still raced every time she pulled open the bathroom door, or stepped out into her living room.

Like usual, no one was there. Spencer checked again just to be sure.

Only after deciding that the three locks on her apartment were still intact did she return the bat to its place beside the bed and make her way to the kitchen to start breakfast. Two fried eggs, a piece of buttered toast and several cups of coffee made, consumed, and cleaned up after all before 6:30. Spencer sat at her small kitchen table and drummed her fingers against the wood while she checked her work email.

She rolled her eyes. Leo Trill was still trying to renegotiate his fees – this was getting ridiculous. Spencer shot off a response pulling out some of the language from her pre-law courses hoping to intimidate him into paying the money he owed, and skimmed through some of her other emails. Most of them were requesting help tailing a potentially cheating spouse, but one poor kid who came across her website lost their dog. Spencer didn’t think she’d be much help with that one, but she replied to some wife who thought her husband had a secret family. Given the information she provided this would be an easy one.

Spencer showered, dressed and packed up her camera equipment for the day. Dialling a number from memory, she stuck her phone between her ear and her shoulder while preparing a travel mug of more coffee.

“Good morning Al!” she said in the most chipper voice she could manage.

“Mornin’ 312,” a gruff voice responded, anything but chipper.

“I was just about to head out for the day, any chance any people from those photos showed up on the security footage?” Spencer asked as if this was a one off favour and not a daily occurrence.

“Nope,” Al answered the same as always.

“Great,” she said and unlocked all three locks on her door. “Uh, thanks again.”

“Yep,” Al said. Spencer hung up. Every day she considered leaving her building’s overnight security guard alone, but every day she found herself unable to leave the apartment without checking. As short and gruff as Al was with her, he never complained and always kept an eye out for her.

With a deep breath Spencer stepped out of her apartment building. The air was cool and crisp, and at another time in her life she would have loved it. But for now she had a job to do.

To no one’s surprise, (especially not Mrs. Rittle’s) Mr. Rittle was cheating on his wife and fathered two kids with another woman. And he a compulsive gambler. Double whammy. It only took Spencer the day to open and shut the case, and Mrs. Rittle paid her promptly and the appropriate amount (suck it Leo Trill).

Spencer tried not to have any regular places, but she found a cute little café not far from her apartment and started a habit of stopping by to treat herself to a coffee and scone after she’d closed a case.

Eva, her favourite waitress, greeted her when she stepped through the doors.

“Your regular Sylvia?” she said with a wink. Spencer nodded and slid into her favourite table beside where the window turned into brick wall. It made her feel safer with her back against the wall and able to see outside without being seen herself.

“Here’s your coffee, _Sylvia_ ,” someone slid the cup and a small plate with a warm blueberry scone across the table in front of her. “Is this seat free? I’d love to catch up,” Mona sat across from Spencer, with a self satisfied grin spread across her face.

Spencer froze. Her fight or flight response beginning to kick in and she contemplated tossing the hot coffee at Mona and taking off. She still had her version of a bug out bag in Ravenswood, she could start it all again.

Mona’s features softened and the vaguely taunting expression she wore disappeared. “No one knows I’m here,” she said.

Spencer’s eyes darted towards the front exit for anyone looking suspicious. Maybe Eva would slip her out the back.

“How did you find me?” Spencer squeaked out. If she could distract Mona for a few moments she could make a run for it.

“Some good old fashioned sleuthing,” Mona’s grin returned, but kinder this time. “Look Spencer, I’m not here to rat you out to people or drag you home. I have a favour to ask.”

Spencer’s thoughts came racing away from possible escape routes back to the conversation at hand. “A…favour?”

“I briefly had access to medical records while I was working with the police department, and I know more than most how traumatizing that night was for you,” Mona said. Spencer tensed up, bracing herself to somehow have the information used against her. “I’m sorry for everything that happened to you. It was awful.”

Spencer refused to make eye contact, choosing instead to poke at the scone in front of her.

“And I’m sorry for what I’m about to ask you,” Mona continued and pulled a card from her purse. “Mike asked me to make sure you got this - he said it would mean the world to Aria. And well, he means the world to me so I had to try.” She slid the card across the table in front of Spencer.

It was a Save the Date for Aria and Ezra’s wedding.

“Wow,” was all Spencer could manage to get out. Part of her forgot that life goes on even when you’re not around. “You cut it pretty close,” she said looking at the date. The wedding was only three days away.

“You’re telling me,” Mona seemed to relax a little bit at Spencer’s snarky comment. “Aria ordered a bridesmaid’s dress in your size just in case you miraculously showed up. You don’t owe her – or me – anything, but I know she misses you.”

Spencer studied the card with a hand over her mouth. “I don’t know, Mona,” she said. Just thinking about going back to Rosewood and facing everyone made her nauseous.

“Look you don’t have to decide now, but you and I both know that you’re going to have to come back at some point – there’s no hiding forever. And Toby _will_ manage to catch up to you down the line,” Mona warned standing up from her chair and gathering her purse. “It’s up to you to decide how that reunion is going to go.”

Spencer watched her leave. Looking down at her picked apart scone she couldn’t feel less hungry and left with a complete and overwhelming feeling of _I have to get out of here_.

She grabbed the card off the table and her bag and almost sprinted out of the café. Glancing around the street to make sure Mona, or anyone else wasn’t following her Spencer hopped on the nearest city bus to clear her head. She switched routes a few times before running into a pharmacy looking for some relief from a painful headache and something to settle her stomach.

Tossing some Advil into her basket, Spencer wandered the aisles aimlessly dreading going back to her apartment. What if someone followed Mona?

Spencer had to remind herself that the person she was afraid was dead, and has been for years. Supposedly.

She was surprised to find herself in the hair care aisle staring down an overly happy model showing off her new hair colour – which happened to be Spencer’s natural colour. She gingerly picked up the box from the shelf and held it in her hands for what seemed like an eternity. Her stomach twisted but she dropped it in her basket anyways. She didn’t have to go through with it.

Al had just started his shift when Spencer popped her head into the building’s security office. “Hey Al,” she said quietly.

“Hey 312,” he said without looking up from his sandwich. There was a dab of mustard on his chin but she didn’t want to push the interaction longer than it needed to be.

“I need a favour,” she wrung her hands uncomfortably. “I just need to know if any one from the photos I gave you have shown up in the building at all.”

Al set down his sandwich, wiped his chin and pulled up the day’s security footage on one of the monitors. They both watched in silence as the figures zipped in fast forward through the parking garage, lobby and hallways, stopping a couple times someone looked familiar but in the end there was no one recognizable.

“You good?” Al asked her gruffly once they got through it all, and Spencer nodded.

“I really don’t know how to thank you Al, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me,” she said standing in his doorway.

He shrugged and waved her away before continuing to eat his sandwich.

Spencer went through her regular night time routine. Coming into the apartment and doing another sweep with the bat, having a silent dinner alone, sweeping the apartment one more time before climbing into bed and staring at the ceiling until her body decided it needed some sleep. She couldn’t remember the last time she slept through the night. (That was a lie but she didn’t like thinking about the before part of her trauma).

Her morning was routine as well. The nightmares kicked in around 4:37 so she padded through her apartment, making her breakfast and eating it silently. (Most of her life was done in silence).

Grabbing another Advil from the pharmacy bag to do away with another headache, the obscenely chipper hair dye woman smiled up at Spencer with her obnoxiously toothy grin.

Spencer thought back to Mona’s comment. She knew Mona was right. It was only a matter of time before someone took the time to find her – whether it be Toby, her family, or a supposedly dead someone. Running into Toby in Buck’s County only proved that – it was going to happen and it looked like her time was running out. But Spencer could control how the reunion went before disappearing again.

By noon her hair was back to her natural chestnut. Spencer clung to her duffle bag like a life raft while she wait in line, but finally it was her turn at the bus ticket counter. Her heart was beating so fast she felt she might pass out, but after a deep breath she approached the woman.

“One ticket to Rosewood, please.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Spencer makes her debut back in Rosewood (or she chickens out and jumps out of the moving bus...we'll see!) Please leave a kudos or a comment if you're enjoying this fic


	6. Welcome Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer talks herself into attending Aria's rehearsal dinner.

Spencer felt sick.

She sat in a rental car across the street from the Applerose Grill, staring in the windows at all the smiling guests at Aria and Ezra’s rehearsal dinner. Drumming her fingers on the steering wheel she contemplating turning right around and going back to the cheap motel just outside of town. It was a questionable, and frankly gross, establishment but it was somewhere Spencer could keep her anonymity. Anonymity that she was about to blow.

With a deep breath she stepped out of the car. Her heels made her steps sound sophisticated and echo in the mostly empty street, there were a few other stragglers also late for the dinner. Although calling it dinner wasn’t quite accurate – as far as Spencer could tell it was more of a cocktail mixer than a formal meal.

Spencer heart raced and her head felt light and heavy at the same time. It would be just her luck to pass out right now.

A friendly doorman welcomed her and offered to take her coat. She slid it off, careful not to make eye contact with any of the other guests just yet and stepped into the Grill. It was buzzing with light hearted conversations and laughter – Spencer had never felt more out of place. She took a water from one of the waitresses passing by and sipped it gently, taking in the scene and wondering if she could make a run for it before anyone noticed.

“Spencer,” a low voice finally greet her.

She almost choked on her water. The first of many awkward reunions. “Caleb, uh hi,” she fumbled over the words. There was so much more she needed to say.

“You’ve got quite the nerve showing up here,” he said gravely, but the relieved smile on his face betrayed him and Spencer let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. Maybe this whole process wouldn’t be as painful after all.

“I owe you an apology,” Spencer said.

“Maybe,” he shrugged. “We can work that out later though, I’m just glad you’re back home.”

“You might be the only one,” she joked and refrained from clarifying just how “back” she was.

“Have you seen anyone else yet?” Caleb asked but Spencer knew he was really asking if she’d been to see Toby yet. She wondered if Toby shared their encounter in Buck’s County with his best friend.

“I’m…working up the courage,” Spencer answered finally. “Is he here?”

“He’s got a shift,” Caleb shifted his weight uncomfortably. “Look, Spencer I wouldn’t put it off too long, he’s going to be at the wedding in the morning and the longer you’re in town without addressing the giant elephant in the room the more painful it’s going to be.”

Caleb never specified more painful for who. And he wouldn’t get the chance – Spencer felt a hand on her shoulder gentle pull her around.

Emily enveloped her in a hug immediately. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” she whispered and squeezed her tighter. Spencer accepted the affection stiffly.

“Yeah,” she said. “I’m fine.” First lie of the night. Spencer almost vomited right then and there.

Emily took a step back and looked her friend up and down. “Will you come see everyone else?” she asked, holding both of Spencer’s hands gently. And Spencer had never been able to say no to Emily’s Bambi eyes, so she found herself being dragged across the restaurant through a confused crowd of people doing double takes until they were standing in front of the bride to be herself.

“I guess congratulations are in order,” Spencer tried to resist the urge to cross her arms, and instead wrung her hands anxiously.

“Uh thanks,” Aria said after her eyebrows returned from her hairline in surprise. Hanna looked particularly disinterested with the scene going on in front of her, and Emily stood beside Spencer and beamed at the both of them.

Her heart felt like it was going to explode. She considered pulling out one of her anti anxiety medications from her purse but refrained – the last time she had pills around her friends didn’t go so well.

 

_Spencer pour herself some tea and joined the other girls on the couch at Aria’s house. The tension was palpable but she had no idea why they weren’t as angry as she was._

_“I tried to petition the court but they said the decision was made,” Spencer frantically searched her laptop bag for the relevant paperwork. “There has to be something we can do to stop this before tomorrow,” she flipped through one of her mother’s law books frantically._

_Spencer missed the looks the three other girls exchanged. “Have you been up all night Spencer?” Hanna asked bluntly. She looked up from the book on her lap._

_“I guess, my back was sore and I couldn’t fall asleep…why?” Spencer narrowed her eyes. There was something fishy going on._

_Aria sat forward on her spot on the couch. “Um, well it seems like you’re spiralling,” she said._

_“We’re worried about you, Spence. This whole thing with CeCe has brought out a part of you that we thought you’d left behind,” Emily studied her wide eyed._

_Spencer rubbed her eyes. She was way to exhausted for whatever intervention they were trying to run for her. “This thing with CeCe?” she snapped. “They’re releasing her you guys. They’re letting -A out of her cozy high security prison and letting her run amuck in the world,” Spencer crossed her arms in frustration._

_“For a day,” Aria added softly. “Look, I’m uncomfortable with it too but the judge assured us she’d have a three guard team on her the whole time. CeCe won’t be able to hurt us again.”_

_“For a funeral of a relative we’ve never even heard of! Ali’s not even going, and neither is Jason,” Spencer started shoving her books and papers back into her back forcefully._

_“Spencer take a deep breath, it’s going to be okay,” Emily tried to help ease the books in but Spencer pulled the bag away viciously, causing all her belongings to fall onto the floor. Her medication rattled in the bottle as it rolled towards the door._

_“I told you,” Hanna addressed Emily and Aria, “she’s speeding again.”_

_“Are you kidding me?” Spencer grabbed the pills and shoved them into her sweater pocket before they could read the label. “That’s not what this is.”_

_“Then what is it, Spencer?” Hanna asked, clearly out of patience._

_“None of your business,” she answered sharply._

_“Spencer we’re all stressed out about this but you’ve gone too far,” Aria said quietly, shaking her head._

_“Oh my god!” Spencer said in frustration. “I’m not using again! Now can we get back to the real issue at hand, we only have a few hours-”_

_“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Aria picked up the books and loose papers from the floor and deposited them into a bewildered Spencer’s arms. “I think you need to take some time to really think about if they’re worth it. You should probably go.”_

_“You’re joking,” Spencer shook her head in disbelief. “Are you serious? Hanna?”_

_Hanna shrugged. “Call us in the morning if you decide you’re done. We can help with the sweaty detox stuff or whatever,” she mumbled._

_“Emily?” Spencer asked weakly. She couldn’t believe this was happening._

_Emily was holding on to her elbow tightly and staring at the floor. “Maybe you should,” she said._

_“CeCe is going to pull something tonight, we can’t be divided like this,” Spencer plead with them. “I’ll explain everything,” she offered._

_Aria shook her head. “We’ll see you in the morning, Spencer.”_

_Spencer slammed the door on the way out. They didn’t deserve to know. Shortly after she woke up late the next day in a bed at Rosewood Community she decided those would be the last words her friends would ever speak to her._

Until now.

“It’s nice to see you,” Aria offered with an uncomfortable smile plastered on her face reserved for distant relatives.

“Yeah it’s great you’re not like, dead or whatever,” Hanna focused on stirring her bright, sweet looking drink.

“Hanna,” Emily chastised.

“What?” she shrugged like she didn’t say anything inappropriate, “we’ve dealt with enough bodies. It’s nice that Spencer’s wasn’t added to that list like we thought it was.”

“You thought I was dead?” Spencer considered the possibility when she left but she figured eventually people would figure out she’d just moved on, away from all the pain living in Rosewood had to offer.

Aria tilted her head like puppies do when they’re confused. “Of course we thought you were dead,” she glanced away awkwardly. “It’s been years and you haven’t reached out once. We never thought you’d do that if you were okay.”

Spencer’s chest tightened guiltily. She knew she’d be putting people through pain when she decided to leave but it hadn’t really hit her until Aria spelled it right out for her. Not that she felt overly guilty about these particular women, who’s actions caused her to need to leave in the first place. Except for maybe Emily, but only because she saved Spencer’s life.

Aria reached out and squeezed one of Spencer’s hands. “But I’m glad you’re here now,” her smiled looked slightly less forced. Progress.

“How did the swim meet go, Em?” Hanna changed the subject. Spencer could see the giant, gaping chip on her shoulder but she was grateful not to talk about herself.

“The girls did great,” Emily grinned proudly. “I coach the Sharks now,” she added for Spencer’s benefit.

The conversation went on and she learned Hanna was working at a boutique in town that she runs with her mom, and Aria and Ezra recently bought the Art Gallery where the wedding was going to take place in the morning.

“The Brew is doing really well too, it’s really bounced back since…” Aria looked like she wanted to swallow her tongue when she remembered Spencer was there.

“I need some air,” she said, feeling the colour drain from her face.

“Spencer I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking,” Aria set down her drink, rushing to Spencer’s side and supporting her elbow.

“It’s fine, I just need-”

“I’ve got it from here,” Mona intervened shooting Aria a smile. “Your Great Aunt Reta has been looking for you for a half an hour, I could only distract her for so long,” she said pulling Spencer out through the kitchen exit. “You okay?” she asked.

“I’m going to throw up,” she said honestly.

“You looked like you needed an escape, I had the Reta thing in my back pocket all night just in case,” Mona pulled her sheer wrap around her shoulders tighter. Spencer found the cool air refreshing. “Reta isn’t even here she’s in a home down in Florida with Alzheimer’s.”

Spencer felt herself laugh for the first time all night. “Thanks Mona,” she said.

“Don’t thank me yet, when you go back in she’s going to drag you away to make sure your dress fits,” Mona warned.

“Are you sure? She didn’t seem particularly warm to me being here,” Spencer stared up at the stars glistening in the sky. Maybe if she signed up for NASA she could escape the earth entirely and leave this town behind for good.

“Don’t be an idiot. She bought the dress she wants you to be a part of this day. There’s just a lot of baggage,” Mona said.

“Maybe you’re right,” Spencer shifted her weight.

“Of course I’m right,” she said.

Spencer chuckled at Mona’s certainty and, just for a minute, considered the possibility of things turning out alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Next chapter will be up sometime Tuesday afternoon and we'll see Aria, Emily and Hanna get filled in on some crucial missing pieces about what really went down at The Brew


	7. BITCH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting fitted for Spencer's bridesmaid dress gets heated. Tempers flare, words are exchanged, and the truth comes out. (ft. some Spoby flashback fluff)

_“Spence have you been awake all night?” Toby pressed a kiss against his girlfriend’s forehead as she tapped away on her laptop at the island in her parent’s kitchen._

_Spencer ran a hand through her bedhead and nodded. “My back ached all night I couldn’t get comfortable,” scribbled something into her notebook._

_“And it had nothing to do with anything else?” he asked, pouring himself a cup of coffee and popping some bread into the toaster._

_She looked up from her computer. “You and I both know it would be a lie if I said it didn’t.”_

_“Well there’s not much I can do to help out with the other thing,” Toby walked around to where Spencer was sitting, “but I_ can _give you a massage.” Spencer grinned as she felt his hands begin kneading her lower back. She closed her eyes and leaned back against him. Toby wrapped his arms around her and placed another gentle kiss on her cheek._

_“Everything’s going to be all right, right?” she asked._

_“When you see the girls today I’m sure you’ll work something out to keep CeCe from being released, even for a day,” Toby said. “I’m just sorry I can’t help - I’ve got that double shift tonight.”_

_Spencer sighed and sat up again, her mind returned to the real world._

_“Just think of all the things we have to look forward to after this is all over. Leanne emailed this morning with a house she thinks is perfect for us,” Toby collected his toast and smeared peanut butter on it._

_“I still think you should pull a McDreamy and build the damn thing ourselves, Leanne is great but none of these houses are right,” Spencer said right before stealing a bite from him._

_“You know we have a deadline for this right,” he laughed. “I like your parents but I don’t know how much longer living with them is going to work for us.”_

_“Fine,” Spencer feigned frustration. “Tell Leanne we’ll live in one of her pre built houses temporarily.”_

_Toby smiled and set his empty plate in the sink. He grabbed the pill bottle sitting beside the tap and held it up for Spencer, who had returned her attention to what she was reading on her computer._

_“Don’t forget,” he said._

_“Mmhmm,” Spencer typed something into the search bar._

_“Spencer eyes up,” Toby laughed and when she glanced up again repeated, “don’t forget.”_

_“Yes Dr. Cavanaugh,” she said, but proceeded to stick her tongue out at him as soon as he turned his back._

_“I’m putting them in your purse so you’ll have them with you when you inevitably forget to take them,” he called from the door. “I’ll call you in between my shifts. Love you!”_

_“You too,” Spencer called back absent mindedly, and after checking the time packed up all she found to take over to Aria’s house. There were still a few things they could pull to get the judge to change her ruling._

* * *

 

“I’m so glad it fits,” Aria gushed at Spencer in her bridesmaid’s dress standing in front of the full length mirror in her apartment. “I guessed at your measurements and I can honestly say that I am impressed with myself,” she laughed.

Spencer offered a stiff smile in return. Aria whisked her away to her loft in Old Hollis so she could make any last minute alterations to the bridesmaid’s dress if she needed to. Emily poured some wine for all of them in the kitchen while Hanna sulked on the bed.

“It would have been so nice to have you at the fitting with all of us but I’m glad you’re here now,” Aria stood behind her much taller friend and leaned against her shoulder. “It’s all in the past. You’re home now.” Aria watched Spencer pull away in their reflection.

Emily followed Spencer behind the room divider and handed her a glass. “You are staying, aren’t you?”

She gave a half committal shrug. “I don’t know,” Spencer mumbled and pawed at the zipper of her dress.

Hanna watched from the bed, sipping her wine distastefully. “Of course she’s not staying,” Hanna said. “She obviously doesn’t care about us anymore, why would she?” she asked rhetorically.

“Hanna,” Emily shot her a warning look. Hanna shrugged.

“I’m just saying if she cared about us even a little she would have returned one of our calls,” she walked over to the rest of the girls surrounding Spencer. She needed to get this damned dress off. Now.

Aria stepped behind her and unzipped the bridesmaid dress. Spencer clung it to her chest so it didn’t fall and frantically looked around for the dress she wore there. She grabbed it from the chaise beside her but the bridesmaid’s dress slipped down and she couldn’t catch it in time.

Over the years Spencer had been in far more compromising positions than half naked with some of her oldest friends, but she could feel her face heat up in a mix of rage and embarrassment as she followed the other women’s eyes to the scars on her stomach.

“Did it ever occur to any of you that I just might possibly hold you responsible for what happened that night,” Spencer said softly and the air grew heavy around them. Emily avoided making eye contact guiltily but handed Spencer her cocktail dress and she pulled it on forcefully, covering up the constant reminder of what was arguably the worst night of her life.

“Excuse me?” Aria took a step back.

“I said,” Spencer looked at her defiantly, raising her voice “did it ever occur to you that what happened to me was a direct result of your actions that day? If Emily hadn’t stepped up I would have died, but if any of you had just _listened_ to me I wouldn’t be walking around with BITCH carved into my abdomen either.” Her words came out harsher than she’d intended but after carrying her thoughts alone for so long she almost couldn’t help it.

“I’m sorry, Spencer,” Aria said gently, “for the part I played in that day. I hope you know I mean that from the bottom of my heart.”

“Aria don’t,” Hanna said and turned to Spencer. “You didn’t even try to let us make it up to you, you know we would have been there if you’d let us. But you chose to run away instead.”

“If you had _any_ idea what really happened-”

“You’re right Spencer! We _don’t_ know what happened outside of the police department’s press release because you wouldn’t tell us. You just pushed us away until you decided that wasn’t far enough,” Hanna and Spencer glared daggers at each other.

Aria exchanged glances with Emily and downed her wine. After what happened at The Brew Hanna was devastated and aside from Toby she was the person most hurt at Spencer’s disappearance. Knowing how stubborn both women were it wasn’t going to be a smooth road to forgiveness on either side.

“Do you really want to know what happened?” Spencer said. Emily shivered.

Hanna crossed her arms and nodded. “Finally.”

“I wasn’t _using_ that night. I wasn’t _speeding_ as you so kindly put it. I was _hormonal,_ ” Spencer said. “I was hormonal because I was pregnant. Those pills were prenatal vitamins. And you all thought throwing me a little intervention and cutting me out for the night was better than listening to what I was saying about CeCe. But guess what! Exactly what I said would happen happened!”

“Except she didn’t attack _us_ ,” it was all Spencer could do not to break eye contact. “She attacked _me._ Almost killed _me_. Shocked _my_ body into a miscarriage.”

The words were barely out of her mouth before Hanna almost tackled her into an all encompassing, inescapable hug. Tears she didn’t even know were there slid down her cheeks but her friend only held her tighter.

“I’m so sorry Spence,” Hanna whispered.

“Me too,” and for the first time in years, Spencer let herself mourn.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Aria's wedding is coming up and the chapter after that we find out what really happened that night at The Brew.


	8. What to Expect When You're Not Expecting to Not Expect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One step forward. Lots of flashes back.

_Spencer felt dull soreness throb through her body. With great effort, she made an attempt to prop herself up on her left elbow but searing pain came from her abdomen and she fell back against her cool pillow. She grit her teeth and looked down. Careful not to disrupt the wires and IV sticking out of her, Spencer gently lift up the hospital gown someone dressed her in. A thick compress lay on her stomach, but she could see fresh splotches of red slowly becoming bigger. She must have torn something._

_The blinds on the windows that peered out to the hospitals hallway were down, and there was no one filling the pair of chairs in the corner. Spencer was only accompanied by her thoughts, the beeps from the heart monitor, and her pain._

_Not long after (or it may have been significantly long after, Spencer couldn’t see a clock hanging in her room), a nurse popped in. He went right to reading her monitors and scribbling her vitals into the chart._

_Spencer’s throat felt bruised and stiff as she tried to get some words, any words, out. All that slipped past her lips was an extended groan._

_The nurse almost dropped his clipboard and pulled out a small flashlight, shining it on and off her eye. “My name is Timothy,” he said moving the light to her other eye. “Don’t worry about talking just yet. There’s no damage to your trachea but your neck is bruised and swollen so it will be a touch painful.”_

_Spencer gave him a slight nod. He slipped the small light back into his scrubs and returned her chart to the end of her bed._

_“I’m going to get the surgeon who worked on you,” Timothy said gently. “There’s a police officer just outside the door – there’s nothing to worry about.”_

_She couldn’t figure out why she wasn’t more concerned. She was alone in a hospital. No family. No Toby. Only a single stranger who claimed to be her nurse. But a numb calmness flowed through her body beside the pain. She felt powerless weighed down in the hospital bed but her mind responded with a silent_ so be it.

_A rush of noise and yelling soared into her room when the next person walked in, and suddenly everything felt real again. The muted, muffled bubble she’d been in was popped and the reality of her injuries and whereabouts hit her._

_“Dr. Sullivan,” she said hoarsely as her old therapist settled in a chair beside her bed._

_Anne Sullivan folded her hands together and looked up at Spencer. “Because of the trauma you went through I asked to be the one to come in here and talk to you first. Spencer, do you remember what happened to you last night?”_

_Vivid flashes of the night were brought up before her eyes like a horror movie. The Brew. CeCe in the doorway. The knives. Being pinned to the floor._

_“Yes,” she said weakly._

_Dr. Sullivan nodded, seemingly relieved she didn’t have to go over those particular details. “You were brought to Rosewood Community late last night by the paramedics. They had you in surgery briefly to set your leg – there was a large fracture, but you’ll heal. But the, um, the lacerations on your stomach are going to leave some pretty nasty scarring. I don’t know quite how much you remember of the incident but she spelt something, Spencer,” she said._

_Spencer gave another nod, not bothering to verbalise that she knew exactly what had been carved into her abdomen._

_“There’s another thing,” Sullivan continued. “I’m sorry Spencer, but the doctors have determined that your body went through a miscarriage due to the stress and shock. I’m so sorry.”_

_Everything in the room felt too hot. The sheets draped over her body, the hair behind her neck, the wet tears on her cheeks. Sullivan reached out to place a well meaning hand over Spencer’s but she jerked it away, turning her back towards the older woman and the door. Pain seared on her stomach and her leg ached under the weight of the other one but she’d hit her breaking point._

_“I’m going to get your doctor so she can fill in all the medical pieces and check your pain levels. Toby is speaking to the detectives on your case but they’re only two floors down in one of the hospital’s conference rooms,” Sullivan informed her, maintaining a comforting tone. Spencer didn’t respond, choosing instead to stare at the wall with blurry, angry eyes._

_Anne Sullivan shut the hospital door firmly behind her. A seasoned Rosewood PD officer stood vigilantly outside Spencer’s room at the very end of the hospital hallway. The press that had followed her earlier had been cleared out and the hall was quiet again. She poured some hot coffee into a paper cup in the waiting room and set it on the table beside a curled up Hanna Marin, who rubbed her eyes blearily._

_“She’s awake,” Sullivan said softly. Hanna took a sip of the coffee and resisted making a face at the lack of sugar._

_“Can I see her?” she asked eagerly. After the call from Emily in the ambulance Hanna rushed to the hospital and hadn’t left since._

_Sullivan shook her head. “Not yet,” she said._

_“When?”_

_“She’s still processing what happened,” she answered._

_“Spencer’s my best friend Dr. Sullivan I need to see her and she needs_ me _. I will fight whoever I have to to get to her room,” Hanna squared her shoulders and for a moment Sullivan thought she might get tackled, “I need her to know I’m sorry.”_

_She placed a hand on Hanna’s shoulder. “Spencer will hear it when she’s ready.”_

_Hanna hoped Dr. Sullivan was right._

Something crashed from the kitchen.

Spencer sat up in bed, her heart racing frantically grabbed around the bedside table to use to defend herself. She landed on the lamp and jumped out of bed, pulling the cord out of the socket and knocking everything off the table in the process. As notebooks, a picture frame, and wedding notes clattered to the floor Spencer’s mind caught up with her reflexes and found herself staring at a wide eyed Emily doing dishes in Aria’s loft.

“S-sorry,” she said, looking at the lamp she was wielding in her hands. It was at that moment that Hanna stepped out of the bathroom to the odd scene laid out before her.

“Here, let me help,” Hanna said and knelt down to pick up the items that fell.

“Thanks,” Spencer knelt down beside her, heat rising up to her cheeks. After finding out the specifics of the attack, the girls all ended up falling asleep together strewn over Aria’s bed. There was still a tense air hanging over the group but it was steadily dissipating. But completely losing it because she forgot where she was and using a lamp to try and fend off a non existent intruder was just embarrassing.

“I thought, um never mind,” Spencer wasn’t sure how to put her fear into words.

“It was my fault, I startled you while you were still asleep,” Emily said sheepishly and helped return things to their rightful place. Hanna and Emily exchanged glances. The intense fallout from the event aside, the girls had picked up on a few new habits Spencer had developed as a result of a potential PTSD diagnosis.

“Where’s Aria?” Spencer changed the subject uncomfortably.

“She went to finalize a few details with her wedding planner, she said she’ll meet us at the gallery,” Hanna said. “Ride with me?”

Spencer hesitated. She didn’t really have a choice, her rental was still parked in town (probably ticketed by now) and she really didn’t have anyone else to call for a ride. “Sure,” she said.

The car ride was awkward. Hanna attempted some small talk, and Spencer tried to reciprocate but unasked questions hung in the air. When she finally pulled into a parking spot, Hanna turned off the car and looked Spencer up and down.

“Spencer what happened this morning was crazy. You tried to attack Emily with a lamp,” she said bluntly.

Spencer’s mouth fell open. “That’s not what happened at _all_ ,” she argued.

“Just let me finish,” she said, “You’ve been dealing with all of this completely alone for so long, and I don’t really know what you tell yourself but you’re not okay.”

“I’m doing just fine Hanna,” Spencer started picking at her manicured nails.

“That’s a lie and you know it, Spence. And with everything that happened you don’t _have_ to be okay,” Hanna said. “But you don’t have to be not okay alone.” Spencer looked up again and a spark of warmth of her old friendship began to spread in her chest.

“I should have fought harder to be there for you, and I hope I can make that up to you.”

“I don’t know about that,” Spencer looked at her nails again. “I managed to completely push away the most devoted person I know, I’m not sure anyone else would have fared any better.”

“Maybe if you’d had more than Toby in your corner things would have gone differently,” Hanna said guiltily. “I wish I never listened to Dr. Sullivan, I should have just barged into your room and camped out there.” She thought about that a lot of the years Spencer was missing. If she’d just fixed things immediately after the fact maybe they would have stayed together, and Spencer would get the chance to heal. She gave up too easily.

“You were there?” Spencer asked in surprise. No one ever told her.

“Uh yeah, I mean, I only stayed the first night. Sullivan said you weren’t ready so I kept my distance,” Hanna picked some non existent lint from her skirt.

Spencer felt the edge of her mouth turn up into an unexpected smile. “Thank you,” she said. “I don’t know if knowing you were there would have changed anything, but retrospectively I really appreciate it.”

Hanna returned her smile easily. “And look,” she turned seriously once more, “I know things with Toby are…messy-”

“That’s the understatement of the century,” Spencer interrupted.

“You could just start by talking to him, no more building it up just pull that dirty band-aid off,” Hanna encouraged. Spencer grinned at her friend. She missed this. She missed _her_.

“Alright grab the dresses from the back we have a wedding to prepare for,” Hanna perked up and Spencer obliged.

_“Spence it’s me,” Toby said quietly and slipped into her hospital room. He was greeted by her back facing towards him, shaking. She was crying._

_A pang went through his heart. He sat beside her on the bed, a gentle hand on her shoulder and a soft kiss on her temple. Toby tried to keep from letting his tears fall as well – there were more than a few moments in the last 14 hours where he thought he was going to lose her._

_Spencer wiped some tears away and sat up painfully. “I’m sorry, Toby,” she sobbed._

_“No,” he said, placing his hands on either side of her face and wiped away the newly fallen tears with his thumbs. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”_

_“I lost him, Toby I lost our baby,” Spencer closed her eyes and leaned into his hands. Quiet tears still slipped down her cheeks._

_He kissed her forehead. When he got the phone call and the surgeon told him the extent of her injuries he knew there was a risk to their unborn child. This wasn’t a complete surprise, but it didn’t stop the sensation of his heart crumbling._

_Spencer had been convinced the baby was going to be a boy, but Toby had his heart set on a little girl. They had an appointment next week to determine the sex._

_Just a few days before Spencer was modelling the first inkling of her baby bump in the full length mirror of their room with a grin plastered on her face. “You’d think at 15 weeks it’d be a bit bigger,” she’d laughed, but checked it out at every angle she could manage._

_She had already narrowed down the top three preschools, and read What to Expect When You’re Expecting three times. They picked out their child’s first onesie on a late night Walmart excursion two days ago; a cute little monkey grinned up from the onesie with the words_ Mommy’s Little Monkey _surrounding it._

_Toby pushed the painful To Do list of things he needed to remove from the house before Spencer was released from the hospital from his mind._

_“This isn’t your fault. And we’ll have so much time to be sad but for just a few seconds right now I just need to celebrate,” his voice cracked as she placed a warm hand on top of his, “I need to celebrate the fact that I didn’t lose you too and that we are going to walk away from this. You’re still here and that’s not something the doctors could promise me 9 hours ago.”_

_She kept her eyes painfully closed but nodded. He knew she was finding no happiness, no silver lining in this scenario. The one thing he could take from this whole experience was that she was alive. She was alive. That was the solitary win._

_Spencer lay back down and Toby lay beside her, holding her close to his chest as they cried wordlessly together, as if that could protect her from the world._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that got depressing. Leave a kudos or a comment if you're enjoying the fic!


	9. Wedding Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wedding day! Spencer is forced to confront her past if she ever wants a chance at a real future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes one of the first scenes I ever wrote for this fic. I really hope you all enjoy it - only a few more left!

The girls settled into old habits remarkably fast. Hanna read gossip rags aloud while the manicurists worked on the bridal party and Emily pulled out all the best stories of her disaster of a love life that Spencer missed over the last few years. Aria flit in and out of the portion of the gallery set aside for wedding prep, constantly pulled aside by the wedding planner and her future mother in law for arbitrary decisions Aria couldn’t be bothered to care about.

“I should have just eloped,” she swore, sweeping in from the main gallery tossing the curtain open dramatically.

Hanna snorted. “Well yeah, I’m surprised your monster in law even let you guys get married in a dinky art gallery at all,” she added the finish touches to her hair and assessed herself in the mirror.

“Hey,” Aria snapped. “That’s _my_ dinky art gallery you’re talking about.”

“And it’s beautiful,” Emily assured her. Aria shot her a bemused grin before instructing the girls to get into their dresses while she had her make up done.

The dark red dresses were simple but beautiful (even though Hanna complained they showed off her “chubby knees”). Spencer couldn’t believe how much had changed in the 16 or so hours since she’d last worn the dress.

Then Aria came out in hers. The vintage dress featured a short skirt and laced elbow length sleeves, and while traditional enough to appease Ezra’s mother (and wedding planner) Aria’s personal flair shone through.

It was the moment when she saw Aria in her wedding dress that Spencer realized how happy she was to be in Rosewood.

After some teary fawning over Aria, her assistant popped in to let them know it was time. The space was decorated tastefully, with tiny lights hanging from the ceiling and a simple white arch at the end of the aisle where Ezra was waiting.

As Spencer took her place at the front of the room with Emily and Hanna, she scanned the crowd. Her breath hitched in her throat when she saw Toby. She knew he would be there of course, and had been warned to that effect multiple times during her short stay in town, but her heart raced regardless when she saw him watching her.

The music swelled with the traditional wedding march and the guests stood. As everyone watched Ella and Byron walk Aria down the aisle Toby and Spencer were locked staring at each other. Neither smiled, neither registered their surroundings, and neither looked away.

Her peripherals blurred with only his face in focus. It held no anger as far as Spencer could tell, no happiness either. Just a sense pained longing hung between them. She was vaguely aware of the officiant beginning to speak, and Hanna digging the ring out of her clutch, and the pronouncement of husband and wife; it was a short ceremony that felt like eternity.

And then it was over. Spencer was violently pulled out of her muted trance as she was directed outside with the rest of the wedding party for pictures while staff transitioned the space for dinner and dancing.

Spencer picked at her food from her spot at the head table and kept trying to catch Toby’s eye again. He was seated with Caleb at a back table reserved for distant relatives, people from work, and those that you’re not really sure what to do with. Toby didn’t look back up at Spencer.

The music began with husband and wife tearing up the dance floor, and shortly after Hanna dragged Emily out there as well. Spencer resolved herself to finding Toby. She approached him slowly, watching as he spoke with one of their old high school teachers a pleasant smiling adorning his face. It faltered when he saw her coming. Her lips parted, ready to speak once she settled on the words.

But she’d never find them. Instead, her heart raced fearfully as long blond hair swept into her peripheral vision. Whoever it was ducked into the woman’s restroom. Spencer glanced back at Toby before slipping into the crowd of guests after them.

Spencer was greeted by long, blonde hair cascading over a woman’s shoulders. _She’s dead,_ Spencer had to remind herself as she had so many times before. And just like every other time she didn’t believe it.

“Spencer,” the voice said in a faux warm tone.

Her heart slowed in relief. “What are you doing here?” she asked as Alison turned from her reflection in the mirror to face Spencer.

“I was invited,” Alison said obviously, crossing her arms.

“I’m sorry, you surprised me I wasn’t expecting to see you after everything,” Spencer mumbled. She wanted to kick herself for how worked up she’d gotten herself. It couldn’t have been Charlotte.

Alison raised an eyebrow. “I could say the same for you,” she said.

“Look, we never really spoke after,” Spencer started awkwardly in an attempt to clear the air.

“After you killed my sister?” Alison finished for her.

“It’s not like I planned to,” she mumbled defensively. “She came and attacked me, remember?”

“Well maybe she wouldn’t have if the judge had let her serve her time in an institution getting proper treatment instead of that God forsaken men’s prison,” Alison responded bitterly. Charlotte deserved a lot of things but being misgendered and placed in an abusive system were not on that list. “But we’ll never know,” she said.

Spencer remembered the day they found out what facility Charlotte was going to be serving her time. Her heart went out to her, if not the twisted version of a person she had become.

She studied Alison’s face. “They never actually found her body,” she said, watching her reaction. For three years Spencer had been seeing Charlotte around every corner, in every crowd, and each reflection. And not for the first time the thought that she might not be dead came to mind, but this was the first time she could test the waters on her theory. If anyone knew something about Charlotte, it would be her deeply devoted sister.

Alison scoffed. “Is that what you tell yourself, Spencer? Is that how you cope with ending someone’s life?” she said shaking her head, pushing past Spencer and out the door.

While she couldn’t get a good read on Alison’s reaction, Spencer still shook thinking about the possibility of Charlotte being still alive. She stared at the shining, stainless steel faucet as her mind pulled her back to that night.

_Toby said Spencer could stay at his loft above The Brew for the night while he was on shift, but she couldn’t help but feel nauseas at the thought of how many keys to the coffee shop were floating around, and how easy it would be to get in there. At the very least it wasn’t her parent’s home, or the homes of any of her friends – not that any of their places would be an option at the moment. Spencer checked her phone again bitterly, and unsurprisingly there were 0 unread messages and no missed calls._

_She sent the usual suspects another message. Spencer didn’t want to spend the night alone._

_With a sigh she unlocked the door to The Brew, choosing to go in the front rather than the side entrance. There was no way she’d be going into any dark alleys alone tonight. Spencer booted up the coffee maker in the back of Ezra’s office (feeling less sketchy helping herself to coffee from his personal stash rather than from his business). She made a face when she found he was out of decaf. Instead, she grabbed a bag of peppermint tea. Normally she’d be tiptoeing around and concerned she’d find Ezra working late nights, but he’d been gone all month building a church or school or something on some do gooder mission somewhere tropical._

_Her phone was still frustratingly silent. In a last ditch effort, she sent Emily, Aria and Hanna an S.O.S. text before setting her phone down beside her purse by the register. Spencer wandered into the kitchen and busied herself filling the kettle and turning on the stove._

_Toby often chastised her for using The Brew after hours, and when she heard the bells chime from the front entrance the knot in her stomach dissipated. He must have gotten off his shift early._

_“It’s only a tea bag I swear! I left the cookies entirely alone this time,” she called from the kitchen with a grin on her face. It faded suddenly once Spencer remembered that Toby didn’t have his keys to the coffee shop tonight – he’d handed them to her less than an hour earlier._

_The kettle whistled._

_“You should probably get that,” a voice said behind her quietly. It was over a year since the roof but it still sent shivers down Spencer’s spine._

_She frantically looked around for a weapon; to her left down a ways on the counter was an impressive knife set and to her right was the kettle on the industrial stove. Spencer turned around slowly and willed the panic stricken look on her face to disappear._

_Charlotte stood at the kitchen door, her head tilted slightly. She didn’t look great – prison was not treating her well. Charlotte at her best (or worst, depending on who you asked) was cool and calculated. The woman standing there now just looked unhinged._

_“You’re not supposed to be here,” Spencer said weakly, almost like a prayer. Maybe Charlotte would just vanish if she willed it hard enough._

_Instead she gave Spencer a pitying look like she knew exactly what she was thinking. “Well my police escort seemed a little tired so I thought I’d stop by and pick them up a nice hot cup of coffee,” she winked._

_“Oh yeah, I’m sure you were going to bake them a fresh batch of cookies too,” Spencer said sarcastically._

_“Now that is not a bad idea,” Charlotte humoured her. “I’ll have to pencil that in for after I kill you.”_

_Right to the point. “Where’s the fun in just having us die?” Spencer hoped it didn’t sound too much like she was begging. She wasn’t going out on her knees pleading with her tormentor._

_“No more games,” Charlotte said. Her voice was low and threatening, and Spencer knew she’d make good on her promise. “I’m done playing,” she growled._

_“You and me both,” Spencer said and lunged for the boiling kettle within arm’s reach. She flipped the lid and tossed the scalding water at Charlotte, who shrieked loudly letting Spencer know she hit her target. Before she could retaliate she bolted towards the professional knives._

_Charlotte ran after her and slammed Spencer into the counter. She let out a yelp as her back hit and the large metal bowls on the shelves beneath were knocked to the floor, clattering loudly. Spencer reached out for the knives but they were still just out of reach. Charlotte clasped her hand around Spencer’s neck and pressed her down until she felt the cool stainless steel counter on the back of her head. Then Charlotte slammed her head against it. Hard._

_Spencer felt like she was in a cartoon; she was sure some animated animal just crashed her head between a pair of giant cymbals that left her ears were ringing. Before Charlotte could repeat the action Spencer folded her arms over top of Charlotte’s, breaking her grasp on her neck. She brought her knee up as hard as she could, and Spencer was pretty sure it landed uncomfortably around her hip. Not exactly where she was aiming, but enough to get free of Charlotte and grab a knife. Finally._

_Before she could turn around and use it she felt Charlotte yank her right foot out from under her and Spencer all but face planted onto the floor. She wasn’t sure how much more her head could take. But she didn’t have to think about it for long._

_Charlotte slammed her heel down as hard as she could, and it landed exactly where it needed to. Spencer shouted in pain and knew her leg had just broken. Not even the adrenaline could keep the pain or tears away. She started to pull herself backwards in an attempt to get away from Charlotte, but after picking out a knife for herself she turned her attention back to Spencer._

_She approached her faster than Spencer could drag herself away, and before she knew it Charlotte knelt down and straddled her hips. Spencer could no longer move away at all. She steeled herself for the worst – wondering if Charlotte was just going to slit her throat and be done with it or go for the more satisfying multiple stabs._

_Instead she felt Charlotte lift her tank top up just over her belly button and begin to carve something into her stomach. Spencer screamed out at each deep, deliberate cut into her body and she wasn’t sure how much longer she could stay conscious. She could feel herself succumbing to shock and with the last of her adrenaline she plunged the knife clutched in her right hand deep into Charlotte’s neck. Once. Twice. Three times. Spencer wasn’t sure how much damage she actually did considering how weak she was but she was certain she missed Charlotte’s carotid. Spencer couldn’t even pull the knife from her tormentor’s body._

_Charlotte fell backwards to the floor, and with the weight off her Spencer was able to prop herself up against the island. Her head was fuzzy and her body felt like it was on fire._

_Spencer looked down at her stomach. The blood seeped out of the cuts and dripped down to the top of her pants and on the floor. She couldn’t make out what exactly it said but before her vision went blurry she was sure she could make out that the cuts were actually letters._

_Emily knocked on the door anxiously. She stood outside the alleyway entrance to Toby’s loft and hugged her coat close. She checked at the Hastings’ house but no one answered. Her parents must be out of town again, but after Spencer’s S.O.S. text Emily was determined to track her down. Her stomach churned thinking about how the day unravelled and she felt incredibly guilty ignoring her friend. Aria and Hanna both urged her to leave it all until the morning but Emily couldn’t. This wasn’t like before. Something was off about Spencer, sure, but Emily was certain it had nothing to do with drugs again._

_“Spence, open up!” She knocked again. After another few minutes she gave up and pulled her keys out of her pocket. Emily didn’t like using her keys to The Brew when she wasn’t working but this way she could get the spare loft key from Ezra’s office and check for sure if her friend was there._

_But when Emily got to the door she found it open. The guilt in her stomach quickly morphed into anxiety bordering on panic. Maybe Spencer’s raving from earlier wasn’t far off. Emily swore under her breath and wished her earlier self wasn’t so quick to write everything she’d said off._

_Her hand shook as she pushed the door open. All the lights were off but the streetlights illuminated the front of the shop. Emily felt an optimistic twinge of relief at the sight of Spencer’s purse laying on the counter. She was here. The feeling quickly disappeared when dark, shiny drops of blood left a trail in front of her._

_“Oh my God, Spencer!” Emily yelled and tore into the kitchen. It was a huge mess and the remnants of a clearly violent struggle lay before her. Puddles of blood covered the floor and she found Spencer on the other side of the island beside the biggest one. Her eyes were half shut and her skin had a bluish grey tint to it, with wet blood covering her abdomen and seeping into her clothes. Suddenly Emily felt like she couldn’t breathe._

_“Spence?” she whispered fearfully._

_Spencer didn’t move but her eyes flicked towards hers and locked onto Emily’s gaze. She didn’t say anything but her message was clear._ I’m alive. For now.

Toby found Spencer standing in the corner of the gallery, ghost white. She’d looked fearful when she approached him not long ago, but that was nothing compared to the sheer panic that took over her features when she saw Alison. Toby had a hunch it wasn’t Alison that Spencer thought she’d saw.

The music slowed and he held out a hand to her. Spencer sniffled a bit and wiped her eye, removing any remnants of tears that may have been there.

She shook her head, “I don’t have it in me to talk right now, Toby.” She looked like she could sink into the wall and disappear forever.

“I’m not asking to talk,” he said over the music. Spencer hesitated, but ultimately took his outstretched hand.

Toby led her to the dance floor and placed a careful hand on the small of her back. Over the length of the song the pair slid closer, and Spencer felt her face heat up when she found their cheeks brushing against each other as they swayed. She leaned her head softly onto his shoulder and closed her eyes, letting the world melt away until all she could hear was the heart beat of the man she loved.

 

 

 


	10. Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter before the epilogue! I hope you've enjoyed it so far

The trailer sat down the gentle slope from where they lay together, still in their wedding attire, with the trees swaying gently in the breeze around the clearing. Staring up at the stars, Toby shifted beside her.  Spencer could feel the cool, dampness from the grass seeping into the material of her bridesmaid dress.

“I saw you,” he loosened his tie and tossed it behind them.

Spencer watched it fly out of sight. “I know,” she fingered her clutch that sat on her stomach. “Leah Trill, Buck’s County.”

“Was it my bracelet that gave me away?” she asked.

Toby propped his head up with his arm. “It was your voice,” he explained, and glanced over at her. “What bracelet?”

She fished the pendant hanging off the small chain out of her clutch and handed it over, her fingers brushing against the coarseness of his hand.

Toby studied it, shaking his head. “You kept it,” he said.

Spencer didn’t reply as he returned it to her, taking a moment to look at the Scrabble tile pendant before slipping it back into her bag. She lay her hand back down on the grass beside his. Her pinky touched his unexpectedly and she jerked it away, but tentatively returned it a moment later.

“Your property is beautiful,” she finally said, breaking their silence.

Toby slid his hand under hers, and their fingers interlocked with comfortable familiarity. “I’m going to build the house,” the words came out as he made the decision. For years his focus and energy went into trying to find Spencer and make sure she was alive, but tucked away in his closet were the hypothetical blueprints he’d saved over the years. It was time for a new project.

“That’s great,” Spencer choked out. Somehow in her mind her Rosewood life would be remain stagnant, at least until she maybe, eventually, returned. It occurred to her for the first time that people weren’t going to wait, and now Toby was building a house alone, a house that she would never live in with him.

She rolled onto her side, pulling her hand from his and propping herself up with her elbow. “I’m not staying,” Spencer clarified before starting her next thought, “but I’m definitely intrigued about this McDreamy house you’re about to put together.”

Toby mirrored her posture and picked at the grass. “I was thinking I might sell it,” he studied her face as her expression fell.

“Well I have no reason to keep it,” he said, subtly gauging her reaction. “Do I?”

Spencer laid her head back down on the grass. “I’m not sticking around,” she mumbled.

“I think you should,” Toby said, still staring at her.

She looked up at him. “I can’t,” Spencer said.

“Why? You’ve already taken the hardest step,” Toby encouraged. “You stopped running,” he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“So what’s the plan then, Toby? I just come home and act like nothing ever happened? Live in your beautiful handcrafted house like I haven’t been gone for three years?” Spencer shot defensively.

“Of course not,” he sighed. “You’ve spent so much time running from dealing with these feelings, Spencer. It’s time to figure out how to live with them,” Toby ran his hand gently across her cheek. She pulled away.

“I’m not ready to jump back in to what we used to have,” he continued, “and I know you aren’t either, but I want another chance. At us.”

After a moment Spencer reached for his hand, and he lay back down beside her.

* * *

 

Loud honking from the driveway startled Spencer awake.

“Your ride’s here,” Toby called from the other end of the trailer where he was pulling a sheet off the couch. Spencer blinked at the sunlight shining through the blinds and pulled herself off the bed. She tried to smooth her crinkled dress with little success. The horn honked again impatiently.

 Spencer’s phone began to buzz on the narrow nightstand. As soon as she grabbed it the trailer began to shake slightly from someone banging on the door.

“Get your butt out here!” Hanna yelled from outside. Toby raised an eyebrow at Spencer, who nodded towards the door and answered the phone.

“You look like you had a fun night,” Hanna grinned, eyeing the two of them in their wrinkled clothes from the wedding. She tossed the tie from last night to Toby. “Found this on the lawn,” she shot them a taunting smirk.

Spencer held up a finger and turned away, speaking into the phone. “Wait what happened to my apartment?” Hanna glanced at Toby questioningly, but he could only respond with a concerned shrug.

“What’s the severity of the damage, can anything be salvaged?” she asked. “Can I get back to you on the address? Okay, great. Thanks Al,” Spencer ended the call and looked up from the phone in her hands with a peculiar look on her face.

“Spencer what happened?”

She tapped the phone anxiously with her thumbs, avoiding eye contact with them both. “Um, there was an electrical fire in my apartment last night. The damage was pretty bad but they’re going to send the items that made it.”

“Well then It’s good you came to the wedding otherwise you’d have been burnt to a crisp. It’s like the universe is telling you something,” Hanna offered, but Toby frowned.

“What else?” he probed.

“Al, the uh, night security guy, he used to keep an eye out for certain people for me. He says its probably nothing since there were several incidences with the building’s electricity grid, but some of the damage prevented the security system from recording last night. There’s no video,” her voice shook.

“I’m overreacting right?” Spencer asked fearfully, “It _is_ just a coincidence.”

“Totally,” Hanna jumped in, “You can stay in my spare bedroom in the meantime.”

“Or here,” Toby gestured to the trailer.

Spencer’s first instinct told her to run, to find a new place to hide and to start over again. But if the fire really wasn’t a coincidence, if there really was someone pulling the strings again, running wasn’t enough to protect herself. A calmness swept over her as she realized she was as safe (or unsafe) here as anywhere else. Steadying herself she looked over at Toby.

“I’m going to stay with Hanna,” she said. “You were right – I need to figure my stuff out first if we ever want a real shot at us again.” Toby nodded, the corner of his mouth turning up slightly. Spencer let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. She was home.

* * *

 

**Two Months Later**

The sun shone through the breaks in the trees onto the group standing there somberly. Spencer stood in front of several, small rocks. Toby stood just to her left, with Hanna on her other side. Emily and Aria were behind them.

“Did you want to say something, Spencer?” Emily asked. Birds sung happily in the trees above, flitting from branch to branch. Spencer shifted her gaze from them back down to the rocks.

“This feels crazy,” Spencer said, regretting this whole strange event.

“Stop it,” Aria chastised. “Your therapist said this would be healthy way of letting go,” she reassured her.

“That doesn’t make it any less weird,” Hanna said. Spencer shot her an appreciative grin. She couldn’t agree more.

“Alright, fine,” she sighed. “We’re here today to put some people to rest in order to move forward,” Spencer began, tugging at her sweater uncomfortably.

Toby handed her a small envelope. She opened it and flipped through the various identities it contained. “Rest in peace Sylvia, Jill, Rose,” she read them one by one. Spencer closed the envelope and knelt to the forest floor to bury them, and placed the largest rock on top.

“And Charlotte,” she added. “Your life was tumultuous and miserable, and you’ve brought me nothing but the same. Rest in peace for both our sakes, I’m done letting you haunt me,” Spencer said, placing another rock under the tree. She stared at the third, and final, rock. It was small and smooth and in another context it would have been perfect for skipping across a lake.

She looked up at her friends. “I need to do this one alone,” she said. Emily knelt and gave her a side hug, and Aria did the same before walking back to the driveway together. Hanna squeezed her shoulder, and Toby hovered behind.

“You don’t have to stay,” she said, answering his unasked question. He placed a gentle kiss on her head and joined the others.

Spencer let out a shaky breath, turning the rock over in her hands. “I still feel silly doing this,” she said to it quietly. “I didn’t know you, but I’ve missed you everyday.”

She placed the stone on the other side of the tree in a patch of sunlight. “This doesn’t mean I’m going to stop thinking of you,” she told it. Spencer gazed up at the view her tiny rock would have and smiled. It was beautiful. “Goodbye little one,” she whispered, and walked away from the swaying pine to where Toby was waiting for her with an outstretched hand.

Spencer took it, and together, they took their first steps towards a new beginning.

 

 


End file.
